Tuesday, June 21, 2016

A closed letter to nobody

There are few places where someone can be their full and unalstered selves without finding some kind of backlash from someone or something. Although, something that will only be seen by those who have kept an eye out for blogs that are so underground and old that it might as well be a time capsul could be a way to let out some steam. Or at least give some minutely helpful insight into something that I might actually know about, considering I seem to know shit nothing about most other things. Obviously I'm going to drunkinly attempt to explain what depression feels like. First, however, a quick glance into the last 6 years.

I'm in college, 19, in Canada where it's legal for me to drink. And I'm drunk.

Cool. So that's everything you need to know for now! Let's get into the nitty gritty. Please understand that the way I talk about death and the way you talk about it are very different. If you want something it always feels farther and harder to get than someone who either doesn't want it or gets it by luck. So while other people wake up and strive for some crazy objective and try their best to not die in the process, I strive for death and basjcally, fuck everything else. The immediate question that comes to mind is how I could ever actually go for the failure and the thing is I'm not trying to go for death.

The best way I can describe it is that I'm split into two people. One of them is me, the real me, struggling to crawl his way past the thick and grotesque foliage that is life and meanwhile I have another me that is pulling him down. Like when I see a job I think about it for a second like maybe I could do that but then almost immediately swoops in Mr. DepressedGuy who tells me that there's no way I could ever be of any use in the real work force and I should just give up. I don't have a BA, I'll never get to that point and even if I do there's no way I'll be charming enough or generally charismatic enough to get the family that I wanted so I'll end up in a situatuon that I hate and will live my life in lower-middle-class hell. Every day I wake up thinking about killing myself and every night I fall asleep hoping I don't wake up the next morning.

As much as I have heard very calming things from people like, "there are people who love you," and the like but frankly I haven't seen a single person outside of those obligated to love me actually love me. Maybe that chick was right in Freshman year and I'm simply an attention whore. Although I haven't recieved the same kind of appraisal as my peers from peers. In fact, I seem to be the last picked for a thought. For example when I walk into a room filled with people I'm supposed to be friends with. I usually walk in with other friends who I'm close to and everyone gets excited when he walks through the door and there I am as just an afterthought. For some, I'm not even a thought. Or at least that's how I see it. I see the people who are really indifferent about me and I them but if I'm so indifferent, why does it suck so much that they don't care?

I can imagine at my funeral there will be te usual amount of people. Friends from years gone by that could actually make it to the funeral, immediate and extended family, my best friends that I've made over these last couple of year and I bet they'll all say or think some pretty amazing things about me. They'd all be lies. They'll say things like, "he was so smart," or, "he loved everyone around him," or maybe some would even go as far to say that I was a, "good person," who maybe did or did not deserve to leave this earth so soon. Funny thing is, secretly I'm a pretty shit person. I'm not really all that smart and who's to say whether I actually deserve to die? I'm not saying I do I'm just saying what does it matter? I represent the middle, as far as I know it. I'm superbly and amazingly average. Average size, average build, average iq, average at sex, average looks, average fitness, average motivation, below average grades,  and average ability to put two and two together. I figure what's actually going to happen is, because of my inescapable and overwhelming averageness I'll end up working some desk job for some bank or maybe work IT at some school or even completely forfill a steryotype and become a telemarketer. So the pounding question that's in my mind is what do I have to look forward to?

I don't know what's going to happen in the future but I figure if this keeps up, the inability to get out of bed for myself, the inability to network, the inability to go a day without imagining myself hanging from a tree, then the only way I can go is down. And that's Mr. DepressedGuy, pulling me down. I can't help but let him. I'm really not strong enough to pull against and I've been fighting it for what is almost going to be my 10th year of this and I'm not a very old person so I've basically been thinking this way for a long time. So why not just fucking do it?

Well what I enjoy doing is planning it out. I used to do this when I was younger, plan my suicide, because then it feels more like a prank or the plot to a movie. I've tried hanging myself a couple of times. Maybe I'm just all bark and no bite because I remember standing on my hamper last year with an ethernet cable (which I fucking lost even though I now need it for actualy internet reasons) wraped tightly around my neck. I was playing music from my laptop and trying to set the mood for a suicide. I just remember crying, wobbling, giving up, calling myself a pussy (just like every time I can't actually go through with it) and passing out. Even in suicide I come up just short. Now, I feel like a robot. I live a monotonous life. Funny thing is, a month or two ago I thought I'd had some amazing epiphany that cured me but I didn't... And it didn't. So now I wake up, think about how I could die if I wasn't so scared to do it, eat breakfast, think about how all my friends actually just talk about how much I suck behind my back or at least think it to themselves, try to do something productive, fail at that, get high, eat, think about death as a construct, watch a movie, and sleep. My only hope is that some prince charming comes and puts a bullet in my head. Until then, I wait in my tall castle, with a chain attached to my leg to stop me from jumping. And this it what it feels like to be depressed. I hope this never gets read. Especially by people I know that will then be obligated to care. If you think I'm unsafe, you didn't read this correctly, go back, fuck yourself, and read it again.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving Weekend... or week

Since it seems nobody actually reads the shit I write I can pretty much vent without anyone caring
So it all started out probably when my girlfriend bailed out on my little, "Hey lets have sex" plan
I did have it almost figured out but then reality struck and she is pretty much busy every fucking day of the fucking week
Horrible start.
But it gets better, no really... the good part was that she promised me at least to 3rd... base that is
So goody for me :)
The next thing would probably be on this actual day. It started out with me going to a Thanksgiving football game because my girlfriend had, "Plans". Little did I know so did my brother. He didn't drop me off like I wanted him to, he came along and met up with some old friends... They are cool guys and that day they taught me something. When I was with them, just us friends, I was having a good time. Then my gf texted me.... well... I didn't really want to leave. I knew, or thought I knew how it was gonna go. Talk for a little, awkward silence, makeout. For any other man this would be fine but not for me. I finally figured out what my brothers have been blabbing on about ever since I wrote the post, "To All The MEN Out There". Sex isn't really everything. It's all about getting to know each other, taking it steady and not just jumping into sex... Although I'd really like to. You need to love someone to actually MAKE love. It might just sound like a bunch of bull shit to anyone else but after today... well.... right now it would be yesterday... I actually know what they are saying. Anyway, back to the story. There's something to be said for just kissing and not sticking your tongue in the other persons mouth every fucking second. I go to my gf and there was no awkward silence, I just kept her laughing and it was kinda nice. But then she kissed me. I almost needed the fucking Heimlich after that piece of crapmuffins kiss. I swear she had doubled my saliva count and she left a good pool of her spit all over my mouth. I almost gagged. I tried to make it just a kiss but it's like her tongue was a battering ram finding its way into my mouth every time I try to keep it out. I ended that little adventure about 5-7 minutes early because I just couldn't handle it. I found my brother and he went home. I wouldn't like to bore you with the intimate details of my spectacular disaster of a mother so I won't. Frankly, I'm just to lazy to write about that.... It could possibly be a whole post of its own.
Dinner time had come and we left. We go to a friends house every year and eat there. There lives the most gorgeous being alive. Think of... uhh... the most beautiful (not hot) beautiful thing alive. Multiply that by five.... make it ten and then turn it Asian. That lies the most beautiful, smart, athletic, humorous, did I mention beautiful person in the whole world. Now everyone must be wondering, "Why not ask her out?". Well I'll tell you why. She is a year older than me. Just a year I know but to women, a year can be like 10 years. I'm in high school. Upperclassmen girls just don't go out with underclassmen boys. But I've decided that I really don't care. I've watched the movie Valentines Day 2-5 times because I have nothing else to do with my worthless life and I decided I will wait until then, Valentines Day, then I will... or attempt to tell her about herself... complicated? Life's complicated.
Since I'm going on about it, I might as well enlighten whoever reads about the story of how we met and how I began to have hormones. We were only friends because our older brothers were best friends and our parents just kinda made it possible to hang out together. Soon enough, we became good friends as well. Then I felt it for the first time. No, not a boner. In lack of a better term, "When your heart goes, BUMBUM BUMBUM" (Line from Valentine's Day). I remember it so well (FLASHBAAAAACK!) we were playing basketball and the ball rolled down a hill that we had at our old house. I went to go get it and she quoted Finding Nemo. She was calling me squishy. I didn't know it then but I liked it when she did, it was kind of like a pet name for me.... Then I moved.... across the country.... Then I moved back but in the town over. We go to the same school but it feels like that God damn move killed any chance that I had with her. Now I'm stuck with my gf with more saliva then a dog.
The worst part of it was. We went to see a movie... and not even a good-bye at the end. Not even the slightest hug or anything.

So there it is
I went from flabby to horny to possibly in love (I would say that I actually am in love.... but its more like deep like.... Love doesn't exist at my age)

Laugh at me and you die

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Havent posted in a while.. probably because I was procrastinating. If they had an Olympic procrastination, I would be a Gold Metal Winner! Why is Gold Metal Winner all in caps... I really don't know
But anyway, I live in a family of musicians, my mom is an average singer when she is singing to Bollywood music
My brother, my eldest one, is one of the most talented and driven guitar players I've ever seen
He actually performs and stuff and hes got CD's and a facebook page (I'm totally not advertising for him... NOT!) it's http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/MKS/24965172254
and hes got a myspace page.. I don't really have a myspace because I'm too lazy to go and get one.
My dad used to play drums for a band of him and his friends but now he, in my middle brother's terms, "Can't keep a beat"
But my dad can do other things that are cooler like fly a plane and shit.
I can sing... kinda. I find myself making rhythms in the middle of class that all my teachers fucking hate, one thought of duck taping my hands to my lap but then I would still be able to move my fingers. And I find myself rapping to Eminem as well. Only because it's a nice beat... and I happen to be one of those people who likes Eminem but Eminem dislikes.
My middle brother.. well.... he does rock out... On a plastic guitar
He owns at Guitar Hero but he really doesn't play anything. He sings in the car but that's pretty much all he does in terms of music. But give him a song to play and a plastic guitar and he will fuck that song like it was your mother... or just you... it really depends. Too far? Ya too far.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I just want to thank you

So, This kinda seems like a suicide note, but it's not. I just want to say thank you to the many people that have changed my life before I turn into a monstrous douchebag and nobody wants to hang out with me. I used aliases in case one person doesn't want to be named
Morgan Freeman's Doenuts:
Well... You know I had a crush on you in 8th grade and your really nice. I just wanna thank you for talking, just talking to me about your problems and I know that I can always count on you with mine.

Brothers: You guys are the best brothers and person can have and, even though I am a dutchbag(Haha) sometimes I know that you guys will always love me and me you.

Brother Root: Yes, you are not my brother but you are like one and I know that you will keep all my secrets and I you. You are the best friend any guy can ask for and Mother Sankey is lucky to have you as her boyfriend.

Sunny-D: Even though you are a jerk at times, You are the coolest friend I have and I thank you for that.

Bisexual Handlebars: I know right now we are not getting along, but I want you to know that you are like a mother to me, plus you have taught me things that my own mother wouldn't... At least not without making it all awkward.

Kavycakes (Yes, a really bad alias but you can live with it): You really helped me get over the whole emo thing, even if it did make me kinda depressed for a whole week after. I also want you to know that I totally get it if you don't want to talk to me again :)

dtsyzev23: You asked me out over the internet and you opened my eyes that maybe some girls can like me because of my personality.

Anime Eyes: For being a good friend, and not being interested in anyone at the moment? i don't really know but you make me feel good with your glorious hugs of awesometude.... No that is not a word... damn you spell check.

That's about all I can think of right now... sooo... ya...

Friday, October 8, 2010


Oh yes... I am so mortified because of this
So, I was taking a test, you know, minding my own business and I finished so I turned it in and went to the bathroom, unfortunatly, God fucking hates me and made me go into the GIRLS bathroom!
No, that's not it.
You see, I figure, "I can't walk out! People will say, 'Why is a GUY going out of the GIRLS bathroom?' Oh man, what do I do?"
So I go into a stall and lock the door and stand on the toilet and lean against the wall, that way nobody would see me.
I sit there for what felt like 20 minutes and send a text to everyone I can trust saying. "HELP ME!" unfortunately, there are NO BARS in the fucking girls bathroom. This is topped by a bunch of girls going into the bathroom, all of which know me and dislike me to a degree! They say:
Girl #1: "Why is this stall locked?"
G#2: "Is anyone in there?" *Knock Knock Knock* At this point I'm so traumatized that I can't say anything so one says:
"What's going on?"
"I don't know, jump over and check." JUMP OVER AND CHECK!? NOOOOO!!!!
So this girl jumps over and makes perfect eye contact with me for like .5 seconds and she realizes it's me.
Then, to make this even harder, they all leave to go shout it to the world, next thing I know, they have breed to make twice as many girls! But while they left, I used my super ninja skills to jump over the stall and get into the next one. I lock that one and make sure if they see me, they won't know it's me. Like that will help now. So they try to open a channel of communication:
Girls, "Why are you in there?"
To this I type on my phone so that they won't hear my voice: HELP ME!
Girls, "Ok, you can come out, we won't, like, ridicule you or anything."
Oh, ya right, that was total bull, so I take their idea and twist in my own way, I zip up my sweatshirt, put up my hood and stick my hands in my pockets so that no skin is showing and I exit the stall backwards, leave backwards and RUN!
I make it so far that I can finally go upstairs to my locker, In my locker I have a wardrobe of sweatshirts and I trade in the evidence for a new sweatshirt and gradually walk back to my classroom, little did I know, class was about over and word spread of their suspicions. Then, class ended with me still not there and everyone was just like, "Way to go." But, I, being the amazing actor that I am, played dumb and hopefully no girl that was there will ever know my story... But my "friends" have probably told the whole school... and it JUST happened.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The countless forms of the "Drvie By"

So, one day I was having a conversation with one of my friends about the countless numbers of drive by... that we have done
A drive by... can be anything

For example, I do the drive by, "sup"
I close in on my target and when they walk past I say, "Sup"
They don't even know who is was, the crazy person that said it, but it was there... They didn't know if it was directed at them but they look behind them and try to find out who it was, no knowing that they just got hit by a drive by, "sup"

The next type of drive by is the less ninja...y drive by hug
This requires a vast amount of aim, not to high... and DEFINITELY not to low. To high and you hit the neck or face, 2 places one doesn't want to get hugged. To low and, if it's a girl, you hit the breasts, also a bad idea unless you are a girl. And (Ya I just started a sentence with "and" what are YOU gonna do about it?) if you go lower and get the stomach, it's kind of awkward to get your arm around the other person so aim for the upper chest area, higher than the boobs. So, just like the last one, aim, put one arm out and wrap. Drive by hug

The next type of drive by is the ever so mean to the person you are doing it to, drive by elbow bump/punch. Use it wisely, it is only for people you really hate. Or people you are mad at and want to say, "Hey, you, ya you, I am angry at you for a reason. grrr?" So. Aim, and put the elbow out just enough so it can make a hard impact with the other person's arm to inflict pain. Speed up if necessary. They will always know what has hit them... Ya, that's what I said.

And, best for last... But probably not the actual last because I'll probably make edits later. The drive by high five/ low five/ fist bump/ brother hug/ STAB IN THE FACE! One must be vigilant and do these only with people who know you and know the different hand gestures. An about chest level hand out almost like a hand shake but hand wide open is the brother hug. A hand down low and to your direction is the low five and a hand that is up is a high five. A hand that is in a fist and coming toward you at shoulder length is the fist bump and lastly, a hand that is in a fist in the opposite direction of you that looks like it has a knife in it's hand is a STAB IN THE FACE! My recommendation, kill yourself before they do ^.^

My signature: The Drive By Drum On Head
Walk past and drum on their head... ya... not really complicated

Saturday, October 2, 2010

To all the MEN out there

Well... I made one for women, now for men
This is gonna be really small considering that I only know like basics, I'll probably edit later once I get a feminine opinion

1. Most important but kinda redundant: SEX JOKES AREN'T FUNNY TO THEM
Some, sure if your just friends but if your with a girl who you find hot, lay off the sex jokes

2. Nowadays, women are all really into not getting raped so if you ask a girl just because you think she's cute and she doesn't know you well enough, She will think you are going to rape her, or your a "stalker"

3. Don't date a girl just for sex, I'm being a little... ok more than a little... ok A LOT hypocritical but hey, They don't know it... uhh... ya... don't date for sex

4. Women like the classy male, one who opens the door for them, compliments them on their clothes and all that crap so be that classy guy, no matter how emasculating it may seem to you

5. No girl wants to have sex from the ages of like 1-15/16/17.... so in that time, even if they aren't, all girls are abstinent. be patient, her pants will come off soon

6. Girls think gay guys make the best boyfriends so.... I don't know... be gay? There is a song about it so it must be true

7. Ninja attack hugs are not always recommended

8. If one of your friends comes up to you and asks you to hang out some time and you say no and they're all like, "Bros before hoes" Remember, Screw the Rules! (Copied from Yu Gi Oh Abridged)

9. Take an interest in what they are saying, listening is one of the most important things to a girl

Get the balls to ask out a girl before she's taken. Don't be a pussy

11. Macho-ness doesn't work anymore

12. You will get rejected.. A LOT
Just get back up when you do and try again ^.^