Tuesday, September 28, 2010

My Crazy Religious Views

So, These are my weird ass religious views... They are probably all right so prepare to be BLOWN AWAY!
Ok so in the beginning, there was nothing but God then he got bored and said
"Dude... I'm fucking BORED! I'm gonna make universe... ya... with little people and everything"
So he poked the nothingness and BOOM, Big Bang.
Then everything became and shit and all that good stuff happened and then God, after making the earth in 6 days said on the 7th
"Fuck... this is still boring! HA! I'll make a bunch of stupid beings that think that they're the smartest being on earth when it's really the dolphins... And they'll try to understand the world in the futile attempt to be smarter! Losers.... That's what I'll call them... Or Humans... either one...."
So he made Adam for a laugh then Adam was all,
"Yo, Dawg, I'm lonely and shit and this leaf itches!"
So God made Eve out of Adam's rib and made ferns aswell
Now, God only had one condition, Don't eat the fucking apple!
But horny little Adam and Eve just HAD to go for the apple. Now I don't think that the apple actually gave them the knowledge to have sex, I think it went like this:
(While eating apple) Adam: "Hey... what that for?" *Points at Eve's vagina*
Eve: "I really have no clue, it's kind of like a whole... I can stick shit in it and stuff..."
Adam: Maybe it's a storage area
Eve: Maybe it's not! It's not that big, stupid... What's that for? *Points to Adam's dick*
Adam: I don't really know, I piss with it and I can pretty much stick it in anything big enough...
Eve: Oh... hmm...
Adam: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Eve: No... I don't think I am... What are you thinking?
Adam: Maybe my long thing goes into your hole...
Eve: But it's all floppy... I don't think so
Adam: Wait a sec, it gets bigger with time
Eve: Oh really?
Adam: Ya... Look, there it is! Ok lets try
Eve: I don't think I want it in me
Adam: Oh C'mon! It'll be fine
THUS STARTS MEN'S PERVERTEDNESS (AND ABSTINENCE FOR WOMEN... AND POSSIBLY DATE RAPE...)

My feelings about God:
God is a prick... But he's one of those guys that can be nice at times, but other times hes a complete prick

My views on heaven:
Good place... Although... Islamic culture says that there are virgins there for you... never said weather they are strait or of the opposite gender.... Shit I'm screwed....
It's probably like a place where happiness is eternal and all that but hey, maybe we will just die into nothingness but we wouldn't know b/c we're dead so ya... you can always think of it that way...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

To all the Women out there

So, one day, I was just sitting, watching T.V. like always and I thought, Do Women ever think about what turns us on like we do them?
The answer is not exactly clear to me so, If anyone out in the big bad world is reading this, you can go ahead and answer that question

Anyway, for now, I assume that the answer is YES so, to educate some women and aggravate others, Here are:

GUY'S TIPS ON GUYS, BY A GUY... so ya
1. Men love boobies. In fact, the first thing a guy looks at is your chest so if you have big ones, I recommend showing some (But not too much as to keep us interested) cleavage. If you don't have big breasts, I suggest stuffing ur bra (Too much?)

2. Your head structure, face, hair, everything is a big part of what makes a guy like you. Make sure your face is SPOTLESS! I can't stress that enough. If you have acne all over your face, or maybe even one blemish, you are butt ugly. Get proactive or whatever, clear you face. Hair is also important. It's like the jelly (Or marshmallows, whatever floats your boat) to your peanut butter (PB being your face, in case you didn't catch that) It is so important to always have good hair, but I think you knew that already

3. If you are going out with a guy and you are abstinent, don't tell him. Keep the little hope alive that he will get some action, even if he won't. It keeps him happy, and you from being single.

4. Guys have a... delusional superiority over women, we think that whatever we do, u will follow.... That's putting it too nicely... Basically, we think you should still be in the kitchen. Although we all know never to say that to your face (Which is y I'm being a pussy about it and staying safely behind my comp). What I'm trying to say is that we like out delusions, let us swim in it. Don't put us down, don't notice our flaws in front of us and ESPECIALLY don't insult us in any way, unless we know your kidding ^.^' Guys are fragile, even though we don't let on, we have feelings too, ok?

5. I'm sure most women have heard that us guys have a saying, "The dreaded 'L' word". It's not just movie mumbo-jumbo. It exists. Don't ever say that word, If you do we will do one of 3 things: 1. CUT AND RUN! 2. Think that we can do anything we want with you and pretty much take as much advantage as we can and, when we don't get what we want, we dump you, hanging the "L" word over your head, MWAHAHAHAHA! 3. We will live w/ it, never saying it back to you but living with it because we actually care about you... awww... pussy. But I know you may be wondering, "Y, oh Y don't men say it?" Well, my love, Men don't say it because we pretty much think that if we say it first you will treat us like your bitch and keep us in this relationship, even when we want to break up with you. And the guys that say it are really soft guys and don't want to, "Hurt your feelings" or whatever by breaking up with you...

6. Guys are like crying little brats, don't deny it, we are. When we don't get what we want, we drop you, or think of it.

7. Tanning is important. I, personally, hate it when I see some girls legs and you can see her veins and shit, it's disgusting and a total turn off so, if you have those kinds of legs, Get a tan, spray or natural we don't care, It's just terrible if u don't

DISCAIMER:
If you are insulted or you have any disagreements with this post, comment NICELY or I won't listen. You can try to e-mail me but I don't check it that much... anyway, This is not for those who get insulted easily or for people who just dislike me ^.^
This probably should have gone at the top but I really don't care

EDIT:
New pro tip: Get your teeth whitened and loose some weight... couldn't hurt

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Things that I'm paranoid about

So far, I've posted many level headed things, but there is a dark side. I'm paranoid about a bunch of things O.O
1. Zombies: I know they're real, you just need to wait for the right time...
I always picturing it going like this: I'm sitting in my couch, watching T.V like a lazy person... oh wait, I AM one ^.^
So, I'm watching T.V and the zombies crowd around my house without me noticing. I look to my right? no left... no, I was right, It's right. I look to my right because I see some movement and see a bunch of dead people with a lot of blood all over them and one smashes the window and I run into the basement to get my Zombie Preparedness Kit (I actually have one, I'm not kidding It consists of 2 baseball bats, band-aid tape, a sleeping bag, and the knife that is now in the kitchen... my mom took it away :(... ) and start killing zombies on my way to get upstairs, I may not make it, we'll figure that out when the invasion begins. I run upstairs and open my window that doesn't have a screen on it b/c I left it that way. I then can jump out of my house and get to my bike, or my mom/dad's car If necessary. From there I can... well... I haven't really gotten that far...

2. Ohio: Yes, Ohio the state, I have had a Paranoia about that state since the 7th grade. I feel that that will be where the invasion starts. It is also the state that just SOUNDS like it'll steal away all your friends, doesn't it OHIO, the demon state (No offense if your from there... My paranoia...)

3. Carbon Monoxide sensors: I always feel that the government or some really big company has sold us these sensors that don't actually work so, when they extinguish the population of USA, they will kill us all with Carbon Monoxide and our sensors won't go off. It's all a conspiracy

4. Fires: Although I am quite the pyro, I know that there will be a fire when I am sleeping and I will become roasted over night

5. Lin Biao, Elvis Presley, JFK, Amelia Earhart: They are all not dead... much.... They all are in Taiwan living it up... not much of a paranoid thing, just a conspiracy...that is TRUE

6. Everyone that claims to be a girl online: I always think that they are fat guys at home... with strange fetishes... If u actually are a girl, that's great but u can't prove it

7. Churches: All I'm gonna say is that I just don't like abstinence... I Disagree... The churches are trying to rid the earth of reproduction EVERYWHERE! What? I didn't say anything... what're you talking about... silly children

8. My future wife: She will probably die in no way that I can prove.... Why?! WHYYYY!?!?! Although.. I don't actually have any plans for getting married...

So ya, that's pretty much all of my paranoias so... sleep tight(?)...

 EDIT:
9. This hallway in my school that looks like it's from a slasher movie:
I keep thinking Jason is gonna kill me when I go in there...

10. Rodents: They seem cute and cuddly, but they're either plotting to RULE THE WORLD... or they're just gonna eat ur face off....

Monday, September 13, 2010

Player

Ask any of my friends what they think of me, any one of them and you might get, "He's a total player"
I don't really pride myself on that (When the time doesn't demand that I do)
But I do think that I have some characteristics of one
For one, like any high schooler, I am into having sex, haven't gotten any for myself... yet... but all guys are into it and so am I. Another reason is that I simply love women. What about them?... well... probably, once again like any other high schooler, their breasts. But there are some girls that I find attractive because of pure looks and body (Is that shallow?)
But what I don't get it is why am I a player? I've had 3 girlfriends so far and that's it. really? I'm not the player type, or so I thought.
So, last week I broke up with my girlfriend, why? well... for utterly shallow reasons that I won't explain right now... or ever... to anyone that isn't a guy...
The next day I go into science (Most boring subject ever) and see that the girl right in front of me is really hot! Any guy would make this observation, even if he was dating someone (So watch out girls). Anyway, I make this observation and I find myself calculating a plan to get her to go out with me... so far it's working... (Desperate?) Anyway anyway, the player part of this is that the whole time I'm doing this master plan, I'm also looking at every other girl and cleverly calculating a plan for them, which all are in motion... That's why I think I'm a player... That and while I was dating girlfriend #3, I kissed another girl... and got licked by a different one ^.^'

EDIT:
Dude! Fucking bitch rejected me!
So, While I was writing this one, I was hitting on potential girlfriend #4, I asked her out and she said no!
Fuck!
No, she's not a bitch... but who can reject THIS! *Motions to face*
I'm fucking beautiful!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

My brother is a douchebag

So, I'm sleeping off a good week of school and my mother just pops into my room and wakes me up.
Mom,"Honey, I'm going to pick your brother up from the hospital." This gets my attention
Me, "Why ever would you do that, mother?"
Mom,"Well... He ODed on alcohol."
My first reaction: NICE! MY BROTHER'S A PARTYER!!!!
So, she leaves and I fall back asleep where I dream things that no man can understand!
Then, I am ever so rudely woken up again by the telephone, we have one of them super ultra talky telephone things where the caller phone will say the caller ID and terribly mispronounce it. Anyway so the caller ID thingy says, "Blah Blah Medicare" I get up and walk groggily toward the phone and notice that it's say MEDICAL not medablahblah so I pick it up and some nurse with a cute voice says
Cute nurse voice person,"Hello, is--"
I cut her off, "Ya, she's on her way." Now I'm thinking, my 17 year old brother, who is not of drinking age where we live, is drinking and he ODed on the shit... wow... he can't handle his liquor... Is he ok?
So I ask the cute voiced lady, "Hey baby, what say we go out and grab a coffee later?"... ok so I didn't really hit on a girl over the phone, I'm not that desperate. So I ask, "Is he ok?" and she's all, "Ya, he's fine, he's just waiting for his mom to pick him up."
He's fine... HE'S FINE?! MY 17 YEAR OLD BROTHER DRINKS, GETS FUCKED UP AND HE'S FINE!? NOT EVEN A STORY TO TELL HIS KIDS!? What a loser.
He won't be fine when I get through with him... dork...
Now, getting drunk and trowing up and having sex with no condom all I'm fine with... the sex didn't happen... well... not that I know of anyway... but getting CAUGHT?!?! I thought he was better than that. One rule with me and my brothers. Do whatever you want just don't get caught.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Holy Crap a New Blog!

Yo... watsup?
How are you?
Do you realize this is my first blog post and it's about 1:33am?
That's what I hate about the time, no matter what you want to do about it, it just keeps on moving. Damn you mister time.... Damn you to hell... No matter, I shall fix this by sleeping when I feel like sleeping of course work and school might be an issue but I shall prevail.
Here I am rambling on and on about how I hate time. Wait... Aren't I supposed to do that? This is a blog I guess... I don't really know how I'm supposed to go about writing this...
Maybe I should tell you a little anecdote about how I came to finally write one, yes?
Well, like many things, it all started on facebook. I was looking through my front page which many people do when they're bored and found this strange link to this weirdo site called, "Hyperbole and a half" whatever the fuck that means. Anyway, I go and click on the link and find this funny little article on how this one man/woman (I wasn't really sure about then but I highly expected a woman) hates the words, "a lot" because some people spell it, "alot" like me, most of the time. Strangely enough, it made me laugh to find how she deals with the people like myself who have spelling issues. She had created this beast that she has named the Alot so that when people would type, "I love to draw alot" she/he would in vision someone drawing an alot and loving it. Sensationally funny and interesting at the same time. I kept on reading for about a month then I decided to comment on her material. I found that little "comment" button and out pops this crazy little form that says "Would you like to post anonymously?" or "Sign in to comment" at that time I was way too lazy to actually create a blog so I went with the anonymous comment, which I think she didn't get or care about b/c it was a very sarcastic comment, but anyway It got me thinking, "I might have some things to post on a blog... Why not start one?" I'm pretty sure that the girl/boy who made that quaint little blog used the Leanardo DiCaprio power of inception and planted the idea in my head but hey, I'll just have to live with it... haha, funny joke if you saw the movie...
So ya, this is my blog that I named:
Well... because I say that alot(Funnyjoke) and well... I have a strange but maybe interesting mind (And I need to get used to writing a lot for the big English papers like the one I'm gonna have to write for college...)