My Crazy Religious Views

So, These are my weird ass religious views... They are probably all right so prepare to be BLOWN AWAY!
Ok so in the beginning, there was nothing but God then he got bored and said
"Dude... I'm fucking BORED! I'm gonna make universe... ya... with little people and everything"
So he poked the nothingness and BOOM, Big Bang.
Then everything became and shit and all that good stuff happened and then God, after making the earth in 6 days said on the 7th
"Fuck... this is still boring! HA! I'll make a bunch of stupid beings that think that they're the smartest being on earth when it's really the dolphins... And they'll try to understand the world in the futile attempt to be smarter! Losers.... That's what I'll call them... Or Humans... either one...."
So he made Adam for a laugh then Adam was all,
"Yo, Dawg, I'm lonely and shit and this leaf itches!"
So God made Eve out of Adam's rib and made ferns aswell
Now, God only had one condition, Don't eat the fucking apple!
But horny little Adam and Eve just HAD to go for the apple. Now I don't think that the apple actually gave them the knowledge to have sex, I think it went like this:
(While eating apple) Adam: "Hey... what that for?" *Points at Eve's vagina*
Eve: "I really have no clue, it's kind of like a whole... I can stick shit in it and stuff..."
Adam: Maybe it's a storage area
Eve: Maybe it's not! It's not that big, stupid... What's that for? *Points to Adam's dick*
Adam: I don't really know, I piss with it and I can pretty much stick it in anything big enough...
Eve: Oh... hmm...
Adam: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Eve: No... I don't think I am... What are you thinking?
Adam: Maybe my long thing goes into your hole...
Eve: But it's all floppy... I don't think so
Adam: Wait a sec, it gets bigger with time
Eve: Oh really?
Adam: Ya... Look, there it is! Ok lets try
Eve: I don't think I want it in me
Adam: Oh C'mon! It'll be fine
THUS STARTS MEN'S PERVERTEDNESS (AND ABSTINENCE FOR WOMEN... AND POSSIBLY DATE RAPE...)

My feelings about God:
God is a prick... But he's one of those guys that can be nice at times, but other times hes a complete prick

My views on heaven:
Good place... Although... Islamic culture says that there are virgins there for you... never said weather they are strait or of the opposite gender.... Shit I'm screwed....
It's probably like a place where happiness is eternal and all that but hey, maybe we will just die into nothingness but we wouldn't know b/c we're dead so ya... you can always think of it that way...